So it’s that time of the year again, when Cape Town’s population grows by between 100% and 200% as millions of holidaymakers from around the country and indeed the world descend on Africa’s most popular tourist city.
With that in mind I thought I would, as a now ingrained local write a brief guide to the various regions within Cape Town and what to expect to find in each of them.
The snobburbs:
Where: Everything between Greenpoint and Campsbay.
This region includes Cape Town’s most famous beaches (Clifton and Campsbay). It is the playground of the rich and famous. The streets are filled with Ferrari’s and bikinis that cost about the same price. In this area having to tan with a top on would be considered an unacceptable intrusion on civil liberties, taking a dog for a walk on the beach will however get you harassed by the police.
The boerewors curtain:
Where: Everything between the N1 and Durbanville Hills.
The stronghold of Cape Town’s white Afrikaans population where Goodwood sticks out like a sore thumb among names like Ruiterwacht. The area is known for it’s sausages. This is not surprising as there is absolutely nothing else there.
Not-so-great Britain:
Where: Everything South of the N1 outside the CBD.
The English neighbourhoods in the South are the home of Cape Town’s intelligentsia (as opposed to the Pseudo-Intelligentsia who attend theater openings in the CBD but secretly all live in the Snobburbs). Home of the prestigious University of Cape Town on the mountainside and astronomical observatory the streets are filled with partying students and rugby fans (this also being the home of Newlands). It’s probably the only place in South Africa where you can buy a bullet-proof blue-bulls-supporter shirt. The concentric target rings on the back are concerning though…
Dubaiwannabe:
Where: Everything between the Atlantic Ocean and the boerewors curtain
This area (bias: I live here) has been the home of massive development of late and is trying very hard to be the next Dubai. The sea is filled with kitesurfers and practically every visitor wants to buy a home here which is why roughly 80% of the local businesses are realtors. It is probably the only place in the world where after buying a home the original property developers retain the right to tell you what colors you are allowed to paint it and realtors will brag about it as a selling point.
Saltytown:
Where: The CBD, Salt-river and Woodstock.
A primarily Malay area, this is a great region for bargain-hunting (at least if you are furniture shopping and quality doesn’t count to you). Swimming and fishing in the Salt River itself has been temporarily banned because there is no room among all the corpses of dead Chinese gangsters.
Flatland:
Where:: The Cape Flats, pretty much everything east of the Boerewors Curtain.
Unless you are addicted to methathemine don’t go into this area. If you are addicted to methamthemine, you may need to know that the name of the local variant is ‘tik’. Apart from buying drugs or killing drug dealers (a local sport popularized by the oldest club: PAGAD) there is basically no reason to visit this area unless you are politician drumming up votes among this very large voting block. The Afrikaans speaking colored population of the area were once fervent National Party supporters, after Kortbroek Van Schalkwyk sold them out however (since there were pretty much the only people who voted for him) they all started voting for the DA. Their support is so unshakeable that when a local ANC official last year called colored-people “non-persons without rights or heritage” it had zero impact on his votes.
The rest:
Where:Kayelitsha, Gugulethu etc.
As a tourist you will never want to venture anywhere near these areas as you will be confronted by an obscenely large amount of inconvenient poor people who will only upset your restful holiday. The person cleaning your fancy holiday home probably lives around here in a shack made of rusty zinc held together with spit and who wants to be reminded of that ? If you want to see black people while in Africa it’s so much better to go to Greenmarket Square or the sides of any roads near the beaches where you can buy wonderful mass-produced local arts-and-crafts made and sold by foreign refugees.
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Silvia
