Capital crimes in the new world order.

Now as you all know, as an evil genius it’s my sworn aspiration to one day rule all of mankind. At which time I will then be able to clench all the world in the loving grip of the pax silencius codius.
In my world ruled by geeks, there will be joy happiness and unlimited bandwidth for all. Individuality will be encouraged and people will truly be free to do whatever they want and assert themselves, just as long as they do what they are told.

Now the classic problem that evil geniuses face is that “heroes” always seem to genuinely believe that overthrowing our well-intentioned empires in the service of those fat-cats who run the governments of status quo is somehow an act of good and risk their lives at great odds to stop us.
I believe the problem here to be fundamentally the strength of their motivation – if their hearts weren’t in it – they would be easy to deal with.
So, in order to break the conviction of any heroes convinced that stopping my plans for world domination would be a good idea, I have decided to do something no other evil genius has ever been smart enough to do. Actually tell people how my empire will be run. If people know the structures of the society I propose, surely only idiots would be opposed to living there.

This then, is the first in a series of articles on how the world will work, when I’m finally in charge. I decided to start with a most contentious issue, that of capital punishment. Of course, like any true evil genius, I am in favor of killing my enemies – but this sounds a lot worse if you don’t know who my enemies are. So who exactly do I intend to throw in my various elaborate and slow-moving torture-death chambers (which by the way will all have streaming video – providing not only an efficient way of ridding the world of my enemies but much innocent entertainment for the little kiddies) to ultimately be torn to shreds by various endangered species of dangerous animals (what can I say, I love it when an underdog gets to rip the gutts out of an overdog) ?

The following people will receive capital punishment within weeks of my ascending the throne of the world:
1) All people currently listing their career as “politics”
2) Ditto “stockbrokers” and “bankers”
3) All generals, warmongers and weapons companies executives
4) Everyone who ever auditioned for any version of Idols or $COUNTRY has talent… ever.

Once the empire is stable the following actions will be deemed capital crimes and be punishable by death:
1) School bullying (Every geek was bullied in school – this ends. We’re in CHARGE now).
2) Using the words “sollution”, “paradigm” or “synergy” without knowing what the dictionary says they mean.
3) Telemarketing
4) Using the phrase “think of the children”.
5) Running any clothing company that produces more than one of any item.. ever. Conveniently, it means the ladies will never have to worry about somebody else at the party having the same outfit on ever again.
6) Sportsmen who claim to give more than one hundred percent, and similar forms of raping basic arithmetic.
7) Celebrity-worship.
Wearing of “granny panties” or any other underwear that is “beige”, “tan” or “flesh-toned”, or any underwear that contains more than 15% cotton or polyester. The remaining 85% may be either lace or silk in any preferred combination. All bra’s are likewise banned, however women with a cup-size over EE may get an exception if they can show a doctor’s letter that they need it for back-support.
9) Failing to mow the lawn within seven days of a request from your partner/spouse (hey at least I’m an equal opportunity politically incorrect leader…) or consistent failure to bring her to orgasm unless it can be shown that due effort was continuously made to correct this shortcoming and remain in progress…
10) Drunk driving (I’m taking a quick time-out from the satire with this one… people who do this deserve capital punishment without trial – exactly as much respect as they have shown for other people’s lives in other words).

Well there you have it… does this not sound like a good start to an empire of eternal peace and happiness ?