funny » The Blog From Hell

Doing it in World of Warcraft

Jan 092010

Right, recently after getting rather badly ganked by a rogue, my friend Tyrini informed me of the following: “Rogues do it from behind, watch out for them”… this got me thinking (as it would) and I hereby present what I believe to be the first authoritive list of how everyone “does it” in WoW.

Classes:

Druids do it the natural way
Hunters do it with pets
Mages do it from a distance
Warlocks do it slowly
Paladins do it righteously
Priest do it religiously (probably with virgins)
Rogues do it from behind
Shaman’s do it with totems
Warriors do it hard
Deathknights do it badly

Races:

Draenei do it with tails

Dwarves do it with metal

Gnomes do it with devices (notably: ladders)

Humans do it with each other

Night elves do it with trees

Blood elves do it gayly

Orcs do it with spikes

Taurens do it because they are horny

Trolls do it with rocks

Undead doesn’t do it (for anybody)

Well there you have it, next time you meet any of the above – you can know what to expect when they are doing it. Of course – the combinations also hold true, hence I suggest: if there is a Blood Elve Rogue in your party… don’t bend down to pick up the loot.

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20 reasons why sex is better than chocolate or beer.

Diary 6 Responses »

Oct 272009

Dallace posted yet another list of reasons why chocolate is better than sex… we’ve all seen the lists of why beer is supposedly better than sex as well.

I felt moved, a sense of urgency to correct these massive misconceptions and stand up for sex which seems to be fairly constantly targetted for it’s long-cherished position as a favorite human pastime.

So I said that I’d bet I could come up with no less than 50 reasons why sex beat both. She dared me… you all know I never back down from a dare – so here, goes. Only, my lunchbreak is too short, so I only did 20, but I could have done another 30 quite easily (and unlike all those lists – my list doesn’t contain duplicates).

Note: I have since edited it a little for formatting and clarity.

A beercan only has one hole. So much for variety.
If you have chocolate in a public place … it doesn’t feel dangerous and fun.
Sex actually burns calories.
Beer is nice on a hot day, sex in a pool is nicer.
Sex actually reduces your bloodpresure (afterward anyway)
When you eat a chocolate, it never returns the favor.
Cuddling a beer can after your done… well it’s just so empty.
You can never have another round of chocolate without getting a new one.
You don’t get to have fun experimenting with glow-in-the-dark cherry-flavored beer-steins.
What would be the point of playing dress-up to eat chocolate ?
With sex, mixing white and black just makes it more fun (well mind you, chocolate has that one too… but nobody could survive drinking Lager and Stout together)
There are no fun electronic devices on the market to enhance your chocolate eating.
You can have sex any time, you can’t eat chocolate before breakfast or late at night. (Thanks to jhbprincess for that one).
If you have chocolate 5 times a day, you’ll just get fat.
Flirting, suggestive looks and phrases and chatting up a beer just makes you feel stupid
A chocolate will never tell you how pretty you are.
You can never remind yourself “This beer is being drank by me, by choice, so it doesn’t care that I don’t have David Tennant’s hair”. You have to confront instead that the beer is drunk by you without any choice in the matter and if it could have chosen, probably would have chosen somebody from a magazine cover to be drank by instead.
Chocolate in lingerie is just a mess that leaves a stain you never quite get out…
If you have two beers at the same time, you get an intervention. If you have a threesome, you get applause.
Too much beer or chocolate make you throw up… there is no such thing as too much sex.

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Blogwork, camera shopping, photo processing and back at work.

Diary 2 Responses »

Aug 242009

Okay, so not having blogged much recently – I figure I owed the three people who care a decent update on my life. Firstly – as I promised before I am working on a very nice photo-blog post with the best of my KNP pictures – I had quite a crash course in real photography while there and so I think I took some pretty decent pictures.

The bug has definitely bitten me and I want to pursue photography as a serious hobby. Starting with the purchase of a decent camera of my own (I was using my sister’s Canon D350 while there), lots of digging in the classifieds have shown some interesting ones and a good view of what pretty decent second hand cameras are going for. Somebody who was either very desperate or slightly crazy had a Canon D20 for sale for only R2300 (just the body though) – but I missed out on that one. Right now there’s a lost of D400′s out there for around R4000 This is a pretty impressive one featuring a 10megapixel self-cleaning censor and all the core features you really need like manual settings control and lens swapping.

Of course, I also know that the camera is just the start of the expense, more lenses, tripods etc. will all be following.

In the meantime I am learning real photo processing, if you got a good link to guides on doing so with gimp and other GNU/Linux friendly free software tools please let me know where to find these. Photoshop is not my preferred software and is non-free but all the good books and howtos so far are based on it. I will probably use a “learn how it’s done there, then figure out how to repeat in gimp” kind of approach but any help is much appreciated in finding the ways.

So that means the nice photoblog I promised won’t be up for a few days – first – I’m processing the pictures and choosing the ones that will be posted.

Been quite busy with blogwork actually, cleaned up a few things on this one and installed next-gen gallery which will completely replace the old non-integrated gallery2 I used. I’m quite impressed, it’s a lovely plugin, using it also set up a site for my dads’ photography studio and we got all the structure and the basic templating done within a few hours- as we speak, he is adding more pix.

My dad is somewhat worried about how to approach copyright issues on the web, though he does say “if somebody takes a pic from my site, that’s really just flattery – web images are hardly high-res, high-quality and barely printable so it won’t interfere with my income anyway”.

Myself, I’m a tad more liberal about it even than that. Any picture on this site is under the same CC-BY-SA license as the rest of the content, if I ever want to sell pictures- this will be the high-res copies I keep (which aren’t suitable for the web anyway) but I’m doing this for a hobby, not for a job so I doubt I’ll ever make much out of it. If you like my pic – link it, use it, whatever – the only requirement is the copyleft clause: you have to release the results under the same license you got it under.

This could have an interesting effect – a CC licensed magazine for example could use my pictures, while a traditional commercial one cannot. They’d have to negotiate with me for a license (but on the other hand, will get the high-quality print-worthy version instead).

Of course, this is all pretty much theory on a just-in-case basis, it’s hardly like I expect to take sellable pix anytime soon, I’m still just starting to learn.

In the meantime, I’m harassing just about all my friends to model for me at some point – (hey II need the practice and friends pose for free).

Either way, I’m back from holiday, back at work and my lunch break is officially over so it’s time to end this post.

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Error in libmale.so

Diary No Responses »

Aug 052009

So today, I once more encountered a bug which every intelligent straight male with good platonic female friends have on at least some occasions been tripped up by.
The result was the usual series of blushing and incoherent attempts at not ruining the friendship because all of a sudden you were momentarily thinking of the friend in question in a whole different light, and due to your long existing friendship it’s not a light you would normally think of her in, nor one you actually want to pursue and what’s worse, you know you ought to just STFU but instead you keep yammering on with some odd mixture of apologetic “I don’t normally think of you like this” and “but man I wish you thought of me like this” which if plotted would form a perfect sine-wave.

Luckily any clever girl will not take it personally. She will just laugh heartily as she watches you make a complete fool of yourself and not be either scared or offended. The reason of course being that she has seen the bug long ago and accepted it as just part of being friends with a guy, and who you are when it’s not triggered is still a good friend and besides, it’s funny as hell to watch.

The bug is normally triggered when a friend who really is just a friend but whom you also find attractive happens to say something naughty and personal or just something that notably reminds you that she is a sexual being.

This causes the higher-brain algorithms to call a function from libmale.so which is programmed in the core OS and protected so it can be neither overridden nor masked as it is apparently part of the “survival of the species” collection.

In most occasions when it is called, it is probably useful to the goal of ensuring the species survives, but when triggered by accident in inappropriate circumstances… it’s really a rather annoying bug.

Here is the code:

mental.concept.handler(pussy) { if girl.IsAttractive() { Self.IQ -= 100; // Note that on some hardware this could set Self.IQ to a negative number. } }

Since there is apparently no way to debug the code, I can simply post this bug report and hope that $DEITY will ship a patch for the next generation, or at least the public may be warned.

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With all the stopping power of a sex crazed rhinoceros on bad acid

Diary 1 Response »

Jul 302009

Don’t ask me why but this remains my single all-time favorite Terry Pratchett line, as it graces the pages of Guards Guards (which is one of my favorite books). It is just one of those metaphors that is absolutely clear in meaning, can be visualized with absolute (if disturbing) clarity – and image that burns the synapses… and would have made you want to gouge out your brain if you weren’t laughing so loudly.

Well, actually you can ask me why because I think I just explained it.

And that is how I believe one should approach life. All in, all out, rage against the machine, try everything and experience more, learn and grow and never give up and chase your dreams… with all the stopping power of… oh you know the rest.

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Filkday: Gothbusters

Diary No Responses »

Jul 282009

I have given some thought about who the gothbusters might be and what they may look like. First I pictured a couple of fundamentalist preachers from the American Midwest, but it lacked a certain something. Perhaps a couple of bearded Virginian founding-father types ?
Finally it hit me. Gothbusters would make the perfect theme for the next season of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

GOTHBUSTERS

If there’s scary teens
in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call?
GOTHBUSTERS

If they dress all weird
and it don’t look good
Who ya gonna call?
GOTHBUSTERS

I ain’t afraid of no goths
I ain’t afraid of no goths

If they wear black make-up
on a shiny white base
Who can ya call?
GOTHBUSTERS

Prosthetic vampire teeth
sticking outa his face ?
Who ya gonna call?
GOTHBUSTERS

I ain’t afraid of no goths
I ain’t afraid of no goths

Who ya gonna call?
GOTHBUSTERS

When the girl next door
hits puberty
Then it’s time to call
GOTHBUSTERS

I ain’t afraid of no goths
Boys do it to get girls
I ain’t afraid of no goth
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Who ya gonna call?
GOTHBUSTERS

If she wears black lace
like a freaky lady
Ya better call
GOTHBUSTERS

Lemme tell ya something
Bustin’ makes me feel good!

I ain’t afraid of no goths
I ain’t afraid of no goths

Don’t get caught alone no no

GOTHBUSTERS

When the boy next door
looks like a dockside whore
I think you better call
GOTHBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
GOTHBUSTERS

I think you better call
GOTHBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
GOTHBUSTERS

I can’t hear you
Who ya gonna call?
GOTHBUSTERS

Louder
GOTHBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
GOTHBUSTERS

Who can ya call?
GOTHBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
GOTHBUSTERS

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Okay, fine, I confess, I like Mama Mia

Diary 4 Responses »

Jul 272009

I can’t lie anymore. My parents were ABBA fans, I was raised on the music even though I could not understand the words for most of my childhood (and when I did learn English, there was still a lot I didn’t understand, today of course I understand it all – and also exactly why I didn’t understand it then).

This band was poppy and lacked any kind of edge, but there was some kind of depth to their lyrics, and I hate them, but as Terry Pratchett keeps telling us, hate is an attractive force… I guess I have learned that I don’t loathe them.

I first rented the movie a while ago -more out of a macabre curiosity than anything else… and found to my shock that I enjoyed it… since then I’ve watched it several times… it’s a great date-night movie… but it’s so damn tacky, I mean what’s next “The Steve Hofmeyr story” ?

I can’t decide if my sudden reliking of ABBA means anything… Is just just nostalgia for my childhood ? Coupled with a fear of growing old, a fear of slowly dying (dangit stop quoting them !) ?
Does it mean I’m gay ? Actually scratch that one, I use it to seduce women so I think it’s definitely not that…
Or should I just check into rehab right now ?

You know what ? I think it’s something of nostalgia, couple with a strange appeal to the hopeless romantic hiding behind my hardcore facade, and maybe there’s nothing wrong with a little ABBA in moderation ? Provided I otherwise fill my ear canal’s with healthy music like Manson, Metallica and Manowar ? Look Ma’ I can alliterate!

Or maybe I should just admit that I have brought shame and dishonor on myself and my ancestors, and all who proudly bear the uniform of leather and the trappings of rage while screaming defiance at the world on heavy metal stages … and commit sepuku…

Much like Steve’s sexuality, the answer remains a mystery even to myself, so I think I’ll hold back on the ritual suicide until I’ve at least made up my mind. In the meantime, if you buy me a copy of Huisgenoot I will STILL beat you to death with it… May I never sink that low.

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LIfe Lessons

Diary 3 Responses »

Jun 192009

Here, for a Friday, a few of the most valuable life lessons I have learned:

1] Nothing good ever gets marketed with an infomercial. Ever.
2] There is no such thing as a “special” – since shops are advertising *something* as being on special all year round – there is nothing special about it.
3] The difference between love and lust ? How long it lasts, that’s about it.
4] Governments and corporations really *are* out to get you.
5] Do not be so cynical about that, that you think we can’t fight back, or get people to do so (case in point: the pirate party victory last week)
6] Never believe anything. No matter who said it. Judge and critique and then decide for yourself, accept nothing without question.
7] Good sex needs at least two lubricants, more often than not the first one is “alcohol”. *
8] There is no such thing as too much fun.
9] Despite so many claims to the contrary, the Dave Mathews band does not, in fact, rock.
10] Any list with ten items on it is suspect.

*The second is called “good foreplay” – if that’s in short supply “KY” makes an acceptable substitute (or so I hear).

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