Oct 242014
 

Fill in the blank: More Americans have ______ than have caught Ebola.

A) married Kim Kardashian

B) walked on the moon

C) voted for Ron Paul

D) miraculously survived a parachute failure from more than a mile up.

E) broken a land-speed record

F) played Batman in a movie

G) All of the above.

 

Answer: G – all of the above.

You can still count all the Americans who have ever caught Ebola on the fingers of a Simpson's character's hand. Okay ?

Jan 132014
 

If ignorance and stupidity were capital crimes the hangman would never get a day off, and since I oppose the death penalty instituting it for these crimes may be a ever so slightly excessive, not quite what you would call commensurate response. Nevertheless they are terrible things and somebody has to say it.

  1. Misusing "The cake is a lie": just about every time somebody uses this meme they are applying it to … you know, cake. Which makes absolutely no sense at all if you know what it means. The phrase "the cake is a lie" has it's origins in background grafiti painted on the scenery of the game "Portal" – a message left for the protagonist regarding the evil GLADOS's promises of cake at the end of the "test". So in any sensible world this would be a meme about conspiracies, abuses of power, dishonest politicians or businessmen, corruption, deceipt, exploitation… in fact practically ANYTHING except for the one thing it's invariably used for: baked goods.
  2. Miley Cirus memes: on a roughly 5-year rotational cycle holywood finds a young girl, gets her to sing terrible songs and show a great deal of skin – then when she inevitably crashes and burns forgets about her: and everytime it happens we have the exact same debate. We have the sexist conservatives complaining that she's a bad influence, we have the liberals complaining that she's being exploited and we have the individuals trying to find a way to say that her behavior is empowering. It's a trend and debate as old as Madonna's career and it never changes. The only way it may ever change is if we stop playing the game – it's not even the sex that sells here – it's the controversy about the sex that sells… so stop the controversy, walk away – just shut the hell up. If the girl is truly empowered and doing it because she enjoys the attention then she'll keep doing it without you defending her, if she's a terrible influence on your children then the best way to reduce that influence is to ignore her and not keep drawing their attention to the fact that she shocked you. The only people who have anything to gain from the debate are the record companies – the one group whom neither side of the debate considers to be doing the right thing. They are doing what makes them money – and this world being what it is – the only way to end it is to stop letting them make money out of it.  It's a curious game professor, the only way to win is not to play.
  3. Viral Advertising: you know something – I hate viral advertising. Not the ads themselves – the people who share them. Laugh at the ad if you think it's funny but stop being some rich corporation's free marketing agent. Especially if you then go and rant about some of the things those corporations do. Excercise your free will and don't just follow a trend because everybody else does it – especially when somebody else is hoping to get rich out of your lack of thinking for yourself. Don't be a pawn in somebody else's game. Of course I would never suggest that sharing it shouldn't be allowed – but I do hold on to the right to think it's stupid. I have seen too many facebook walls with, on the same day even, a post about the horrors of animal-testing and a shared ad for a company that tests on animals. 
  4. Group-prejudice memes: man these annoy me. Racist jokes may be out of vogue but sexist jokes, nerd-jokes, gamer-jokes, people-from-some-country-jokes … the world of internet humor has now devolved into a state where prejudiced assumptions about people based on an arbitrary characteristic makes up practically all of it. This is beyond stupid: this is harmful, this is hurting people – and hurting people is not okay. 
  5. Rants about the stupidities of internet memes: rants like this blog post you are reading right now, they are futile, they are ultimately meaningless and to put the icing on a terrible christmas fruit cake they tend to devolve into what may just be the lowest form of humor ever invented: self-refferentialism.
Nov 262010
 

Just in case it's not obvious. This post is satirical.

  • Capitalism – the idea that the purpose of the economy is to make legal pretend-people richer than actual people.
  • Socialism – the idea that the purpose of the economy is to be a legal Robin Hood, steal from the rich and give to the poor. 
  • Libertarianism –  the belief (always heavily disguised as free-market capitalism)  that if any member of a society cares about any other member of that society the society will collapse.
  • Raegonomics – (also known as trickle-down economics) the belief that a state should fund it's excesses by overtaxing those least capable of affording higher taxes while reducing taxes from those who are most capable of paying taxes.
  •  Palinism – a version of Raegonomics that claims to be focussed on reducing state excesses while simultaneously promoting expensive and continuous warfare and military expense.
  • Merkelism – the idea that rigid job protection and an economy primarily focussed on producing actual goods is stable and can be buffered against recessions by the spending power of a population whose jobs remain secured is notable in that the one thing it could never manage to export to even one other country was itself.
  • Obamaism – the idea that it is better to create new jobs than preserve existing ones, but better to preserve existing corporations than to let new ones replace them.
  • Mbekinomics – the idea that a country with no credible military threat and extensive poverty should rather spend huge sums on advanced military technology than food, a sort of socialistic Palinism.
  • Zumaism – the idea that the leader of the nation can create half a million jobs by having half a million children and hiring them each a personal nanny.
  • Thatcherism – Any attempt to implement Raegonomics in an existing wellfare state based on the belief that trickle-down-economics is metaphoric of a multi-story long-drop with a coin-operated door on the second-floor.
  • Bushism – Raegonimic Palinism but done exclusively with negative numbers.

 

Okay, I'm out of ideas – but please feel free to add yours to the comments.

Aug 312010
 

While my supervilian powers are well known within the elite circles of my chosen lieutennants (and a more select subset there-off among those chosen to become members of my Harem after I become the dark ruler of the world), nonetheless there are some powers that I believe would greatly aid me in my conquest and which, as yet, I have not managed to acquire.

  • The power to make annoying songs of my choosing stick in people’s heads (always good to make any enterprising heroes think they have become manic depressives)
  • The power to make stupidity hurt (continously).
  • The power to always hit every streetlamp green
  • The power to talk entirely in rhyming palindromes (because it would be awesome damnit)
  • The power to force a person to think rationally about his next action (actually that would be kind of a hero power but what the heck)
  • The power to instill mortal fear in telemarketers by whistling down the phone line
  • The power to reverse entropy (so I can unscramble eggs you know)
  • The power to prevent stupid things from becoming fads

This list is far from complete, but should give a fair idea of the kind of supervilian powers I believe will allow me as your future lord and master to rule with a relatively benign iron fist.

Jan 092010
 

Right, recently after getting rather badly ganked by a rogue, my friend Tyrini informed me of the following: “Rogues do it from behind, watch out for them”… this got me thinking (as it would) and I hereby present what I believe to be the first authoritive list of how everyone “does it” in WoW.

Classes:

  • Druids do it the natural way
  • Hunters do it with pets
  • Mages do it from a distance
  • Warlocks do it slowly
  • Paladins do it righteously
  • Priest do it religiously (probably with virgins)
  • Rogues do it from behind
  • Shaman’s do it with totems
  • Warriors do it hard
  • Deathknights do it badly

Races:

  • Draenei do it with tails
  • Dwarves do it with metal
  • Gnomes do it with devices (notably: ladders)
  • Humans do it with each other
  • Night elves do it with trees
  • Blood elves do it gayly
  • Orcs do it with spikes
  • Taurens do it because they are horny
  • Trolls do it with rocks
  • Undead doesn’t do it (for anybody)
    • Well there you have it, next time you meet any of the above – you can know what to expect when they are doing it. Of course – the combinations also hold true, hence I suggest: if there is a Blood Elve Rogue in your party… don’t bend down to pick up the loot.

    Oct 272009
     

    Dallace posted yet another list of reasons why chocolate is better than sex… we’ve all seen the lists of why beer is  supposedly better than sex as well.

    I felt moved, a sense of urgency to correct these massive misconceptions and stand up for sex which seems to be fairly constantly targetted for it’s long-cherished position as a favorite human pastime.

    So I said that I’d bet I could come up with no less than 50 reasons why sex beat both. She dared me… you all know I never back down from a dare – so here, goes. Only, my lunchbreak is too short, so I only did 20, but I could have done another 30 quite easily (and unlike all those lists – my list doesn’t contain duplicates).

    Note: I have since edited it a little for formatting and clarity.

    1. A beercan only has one hole. So much for variety.
    2. If you have chocolate in a public place … it doesn’t feel dangerous and fun.
    3. Sex  actually burns calories.
    4. Beer is nice on a hot day, sex in a pool is nicer.
    5. Sex actually reduces your bloodpresure (afterward anyway)
    6. When you eat a chocolate, it never returns the favor.
    7. Cuddling a beer can after your done… well it’s just so empty.
    8. You can never have another round of chocolate without getting a new one.
    9. You don’t get to have fun experimenting with glow-in-the-dark cherry-flavored beer-steins.
    10. What would be the point of playing dress-up to eat chocolate ?
    11. With sex, mixing white and black just makes it more fun (well mind you, chocolate has that one too… but nobody could survive drinking Lager and Stout together)
    12. There are no fun electronic devices on the market to enhance your chocolate eating.
    13. You can have sex any time, you can’t eat chocolate before breakfast or late at night. (Thanks to jhbprincess for that one).
    14. If you have chocolate 5 times a day, you’ll just get fat.
    15. Flirting, suggestive looks and phrases and chatting up a beer just makes you feel stupid
    16. A chocolate will never tell you how pretty you are.
    17. You can never remind yourself “This beer is being drank by me, by choice, so it doesn’t care that I don’t have David Tennant’s hair”. You have to confront instead that the beer is drunk by you without any choice in the matter and if it could have chosen, probably would have chosen somebody from a magazine cover to be drank by instead.
    18. Chocolate in lingerie is just a mess that leaves a stain you never quite get out…
    19. If you have two beers at the same time, you get an intervention. If you have a threesome, you get applause.
    20. Too much beer or chocolate make you throw up…  there is no such thing as too much sex.