Universal Truths
This remains my personal favorite poem, I still believe it’s the best I ever wrote
Other people’s truths, my poem, a little funny, a little profound, a little sexy
A universal truth as it were
May not be true in any other universe
Three things are for sure
Death, taxes and people who cannot reverse
Ketchup can make anything taste good
Except for other ketchup
95 percent of the people you choose to go out with
Your not going to like at all
97 percent of the people who choose you to go out with
Are not going to like you at all
Customer service does not go down
Customer stupidity goes up
Remember it takes 47 muscles to frown
And only four to stick your middle finger up
Love is the greatest jewel of all
Without it, life would be empty
Love is the greatest torture of all
Love is both the above, in that order
You can never trust anybody who kisses with open eyes
Believe me, I tested this one
No matter how hard a man tries
He can never find every female erogenous zone*
No matter how hard a woman tries
She can never live up to the porno films men grow up with
Men have standards too
They just don’t impose them as strictly as woman do
You should see a psychologist
If you think any of the above isn’t true